and the award goes to..

Well, me. I mean to say that they literally gave me an award to commemorate the end of chemo. All I want to know is- where can I get this thing certified? Whoever is in charge of this crazy ride better be paying attention and take note of the fact that I passed this shitty course with flying colors- I even have the gold friggin stars to prove it- and I'm not really interested in taking a repeat. No summer sessions, no fall term- graduated and changing careers and leaving the state if I have to. Over it.

In other news, see sexy Ativan eyes below... This is me after a 4 hour chemo fest/blood transfusion and I'm just waking up but still all wonked out from the Ativan cocktail. If you ever see these eyes in person just do me a favor, smile and nod. Do not think that I will remember a single second of anything I say/promise/agree to because I am not at home. In fact I do remember yesterday somewhere in this haze that I had formed a new plan- I was going to write to Angelina Jolie and see if I could join forces with her and help starving babies all over Africa. This was literally my plan of action that sounded so lucid and right on, I was going to make it HAPPEN. Tomorrow. Forget the fact that I have two dogs, a brand new house, kind of had a rough two years myself, and oh- it's insane.

Anywho, now I'm back to reality and actually feeling pretty crappy. Kind of a constant sense of- ugh I want to puke, but I'm not going to. It'll pass and I just keep telling myself that it's the last time I have to feel this way. I'm trying to be Buddha about it and embrace it and sit with it so that next week I'll feel that much better having paid attention to what I went through. Buddha and drugs will see me through this..

Yesterday was actually kind of amazing in that all day long I received emails, phone calls, text messages, posts on this site, all from people who love me and are pulling for me. I found it incredibly moving, every half hour or hour I had another reminder that I am well loved and am not in this alone. So, thank you. So much.

Now I have to go and put my game face on.. I'm meeting with the central AC guy at 11 and the siding guy at 1115. Im going to start working on house things this week. Maybe I'll even buy a camera so I can start documenting this process and stop being that weird creepy girl taking pictures of all the neighbors houses with her cell phone...

calm before the storm

This photo makes me feel calm-

Today is my last chemo. I don't really have anything to say other than that. I'm going to pretend I'm on this beach in Oregon instead. Talk to you when I get home.

happy spring!

I know these aren't exactly spring blooms, but it's all I've got going on around here right now.

I'm going to take a nap now so that Abby and I can go get free Rita's later and then watch LOST. I love Thursdays.

i AM a girl

Jess just sent a few more memories my way via scanner (which I must now own), and I just wanted to share..

This is one of my favorite childhood pictures, circa 1982. I actually have hair, and you can really see the similarities in facial features between me/Rowen and Jess/Xander. I also love that I have almost identical window dressings in my house right now, and that my mom made these costumes by hand.

This is us at the beach, again 1980. I looked either confused or constipated, but my Gram looks fab in her glasses, and Jess looks just like her son (but a girl version, even with that omnipresent bowl cut). X even does that same hand to mouth thing that she is doing when he's excited.

And this is just an amazing picture. I'm about 1 and Jess is about 3 and we're sitting on the deck (which my father built) in the house I grew up in.

I love childhood memories for summertime, my sisters outfits (which I would not only wear now, but I would also probably fit into), and that genuine innocence only very young children truly possess.

time after time

Jess has a scanner and just sent this picture of us as babes on the beach:check out Jessi's gams.. although apparently even in 1980 I looked like a little boy...

hi, Tuesday

I know that Christmas was a long time ago already, but last night Lydia and I were at Meg's for a proper Irish dinner (Meg made the ham and cabbage, Lyd made soda bread, and I brought the Guiness), and anyway Meg and I were talking about Hannah Andersson and their amazing organic kids pjs so it made me remember this picture and here we are. It was taken at Nonna's house over this past Christmas- COULD THEY BE ANY CUTER? I think not. Watching Reilly run around last night and seeing baby Patrick in Meg's belly made my heart ache for my nephews, there's just no words to explain how big my love for them is. And actually this picture looks a lot like Jess and me as little girls, except that we had longer hair. Jess had that dark hair and was all legs (and had the EXACT same smile as Xander), while I was blond with the same round eyes as Rowen, only brown instead of blue. If I had a scanner I'd put one up of us to compare.. maybe I need to invest in that..

Chemo happened, which makes me happy because I had a small fear that my levels wouldn't be high enough for treatment. My whites were fine, reds a little low but not bad, and platelets were low. But they have some mathematical combination for the three numbers and it was still high enough in total to treat. I did lose two pounds from last week and haven't done anything different food-wise, but I think it's just that I'm getting kicked around a little at this point and I just have to wait it out. ONE MORE WEEK. Today I was very emotional about it and I really felt like I was wrapping things up when I met with Dr. Sun. I told him that I wasn't ready for a total divorce from the chemo, but I would try a trial separation. So, we'll see how this week goes. I'm going to try to get to acupuncture because I know how much it helps with my energy and generally calming down my innate sense of spaz. And Jen, thank you so much for the advice, I will email you for the details. I'm actually in Baltimore sometimes visiting Roxy, so maybe we can set up a time to meet and go together!

Right now I feel completely wiped out. I've been staring at my staircase for about a half hour, trying to decide if I'm going to ask Charlie or Boss to carry me up. But the time has come- goodnight.

the monsters under my bed

I just wanted to check in quickly and say that I'm fine. If anyone else suffers from insomnia, then you know how frustrating and crippling it can be in the moment. But I finally fell asleep sometime after 4, and now I'm up and getting ready for MY SECOND TO LAST CHEMO. Lydia is picking me up at 11, so this little boy needs to get up and put on his "face"