look at that mug

I have to admit that this picture is not actually from today's haircut like I promised. Charlie wouldn't sit still and Boss wouldn't stop chewing on his ear, so he ended up kind of slobbery and not so cute, but I did try! Anyway, this is my guy from a few months ago.. he's snuggled on the chair next to me as I type, beat from his long day at the the groomers. When I picked him up tonight they told me that he is the best Yorkie they have, such a good boy every time.

Anyway, this morning I had my home inspection on the new house. It went as I expected, totally solid structurally but needs some work here and there. I feel confident that we'll work out all of the details, but in the meantime if anyone has a good window source in Philly, give me a holler. My next step is the contractor, who comes on Monday.

I don't feel great today, and I took a 2 hour nap this afternoon so that I'd be able to stay up and watch LOST. I'm so excited after last night's season finale, I'm up to speed and ready to watch it in the dark, on the big screen, and with homemade POPCORN! And, by the way, Jack Shepard is a dreamboat. I know everyone loves Sawyer, but not me- Jack wins every time.

Not much else going on tonight, still trying to figure out the whole email update thing. I know that some people have figured it out, but it doesn't work on my computer.. or maybe it does and my brain is too cracked out on drugs (literally- chemo brain) to get it together. Oh well, I'll figure it out one day soon and put directions up here for other 'challenged' peeps. In the meantime just add my url to your bookmarks and check back every day or so (Gram and Nanny, talking to you here).

Okay, that's it. Lots and lots and lots of love!
xo- Erin

home sweet home

This picture has nothing to do with my news, but it's the cutest picture ever of Boss on my bed so I wanted to share. Charlie is getting a haircut tomorrow so I'll post his handsome mug then.

So-the news- I'm buying a house! Well, as long as the home inspection goes well I will be (and I don't expect any problems..this house is pretty solid). It's not far from my house now- still in Fishtown- but it's on a beautiful, clean, sunny block and it's a much larger space with an open layout, which is exactly what I want (and yes I will still be very, very close to Abby Maxx, Jed, Ashley and Collin). I've been thinking about moving for quite some time, and was even looking for awhile at condos in Center City. I thought that I wanted to get out of Fishtown and back into the city, but really there's so much that I love about the Fish and I have such good friends here. And it was a hard decision for me because I'm still very much in love with the house I live in now. It has so much character and original detailing...original wide plank floors, cast iron tub, vestibule, gorgeous 1920's staircase... but I've also been living for 3 years with no dishwasher, no AC, the smallest kitchen EVER, and when people come to visit they sleep either on a blowup mattress or on the couch and everyone is on top of everyone. Plus- and this is really the biggest motivator- there are just so many sad memories here. I mean there has also been a lot of happiness, but let's face it, I've been dealt some rough blows and lived most of it out within these walls. I'm quite ready to leave that all behind me..

So, when this new house came up I went to see it on a whim and fell in love with the possibilities. It's definitely a house with 'good bones' but lacking in direction. And also a fabulous price. Can anyone say 'project'!! My mom was a little hesitant at first about me taking on such a big commitment in the midst of chemo, but once she saw it she fell in love too and we are both almost out of our skin with excitement over the renovation plans. And although I don't have much in the way of physical energy, I have an abundance of mental energy, and she understands my need to channel that.

I feel like this is good for me on so many levels- it's a fresh start in a new space that I can make completely my own, it gives me something to focus my overactive brain cells on other than cancer, and it gives me a creative outlet that I have been craving so much since leaving my job at Urban. Speaking of tapping into creativity, I am also signing up for a non-credit design class at Temple, but more on that later.

Anyway, I'm quite sure I'll be posting all about it since I am pretty much on obsession mode and think of nothing else, and let's be honest- what else do I have to do?

I'm home now but was planning to head into the city later for acupuncture and then I was going to meet Meg Hope and Lydia for dinner at Tequila's (it's restaurant week!). But Meg just canceled bc she is sick and I don't feel great anyway so I might just snuggle up and watch last season's finale of LOST while searching design blogs online for home inspiration. Tomorrow is the season premiere of one of the best show on television.Can you even handle it? I almost can't.

One more thing, I still haven't figured out how to allow people to sign up for email notifications for when I post.Does anyone out there know how to do this?? I think it has something to do with the RSS feed, but once I click on it I don't know what to do from there. Help!

you are what you eat.

Did you know that genetically modified foods have been sold in US supermarkets since the 1990s? Me either. I subscribe to Ideal Bite, which is an eco-friendly website that emails me tips every day and hence how I now know about this handy little tip-

Look for the labels stuck on your fruits and veggies:

• A four-digit number means it's conventionally grown.
• A five-digit number beginning with 9 means it's organic.
• A five-digit number beginning with 8 means it's GM.

Click here to read the full post.

**I have some really exciting news that I'll be posting later today... it's just too early to be on that level of freak-out yet. I need to wait until I have my coffee. Stay tuned..

wow. wow. wow.

I subscribe to an EC Group message board, and this was posted tonight by the wife of a EC survivor. Basically, in non-cancer speak, her husband Dick was diagnosed with the worst possible stage of this cancer. It was stage IV and had spread to lymph nodes, both lungs, and his liver. Because the cancer is so advanced at this point, his "survival rate" was less than 5%. They initially couldn't even get some doctors to agree to try and treat him. But today he is at the hospital to have his port removed- the final step after a successful cancer treatment. The doctors would never remove his port unless they were ready to call him a success, and trust me in this line of business the docs tend to err on the side of caution. Even when I was considered cancer free last summer, they never took my port out. It was too soon and I'm so glad they didn't. Anyway, this is the most inspirational story I have come across since this whole fun adventure began. Everyone always talks about how statistics are bullshit and you can never pay attention to them, and I know that. But to hear about an actual physical success story of someone beating this mthrfckr into the ground- yes! I'm going to email her to congratulate them and to ask for some words of wisdom.

2008 is the best year yet. yeay for life. YEAY!

Chemo was fine, my levels are all high and good to go. I lost a few lbs. this week but I kind of knew that and plan to make up for it in Mexico. Dr. Sun wasn't concerned. And spending 6 hours talking to Erin was divine. Even though it's chemo it's kind of a great way to catch up.

Now I'm in bed with my shockingly increasing internet addiction and Charlie. Boss was demoted to the crate. xo- E

read below for full email:
Date: Tue, 29 Jan 2008 04:34:10 +0000
From: xxxxx
Subject: Leap of Faith

Today marked a milestone, the end of the beginning, and a giant leap of faith that we can put one more reminder of esophageal cancer behind us. We spent the day at the brand new inpatient interventional radiology facility at U. of Colorado so that Dick could have his port removed.
The port was the first tangible sign that he was given the opportunity to fight his Stage IVb EC diagnosis with metastases to lymph nodes, lungs and liver after being told by another oncologist he had no chance of survival. And today, after more than 38 months in his chest, 19 months of not being used. and approximately 7-8 PET/CT scans that have shown no clinical signs of recurrence, all of us, Dick and I, his physicians, his nurses, and the rest of his support team, have concurred - the port could come out. No more safety net, no more monthly flushing and no more lurking thoughts in the back of the mind that it might be needed again! For now we have freedom from the tangible reminder of months of chemotherapy and ancillary treatments and freedom to focus on the fact that the port had become obselete for him..
As I waited outside for Dick to have the port removed, delayed more than 3 1/2 hours because of the massive number of patients in the interventional radiology treatment area, I replayed the memories and feelings that I had more than 3 years ago, when it was inserted the day before Dick began his first round of chemotherapy. We both were in a dark and desperate place then, having spent almost 3 weeks to find a physician that would at least consider treating Dick and giving him a chance. It was a strange emotional turmoil that I went through that day, with gratitude that, at last, the first step in treatment was to begin, balanced against the overwhelming weight of the knowledge that this step was likely to be futile.
The senior interventional radiology fellow removed Dick's port today, and he remembers when Dick first was discussed among the oncology teams at Anschutz, Univ. of Colorado, during his first year of training. He said today that Dick's name keeps coming up when they are discussing other cases and that Dick's responses are reviewed when others with similar problems and degrees of malignancy are being treated. And he told us the sad fact that many patients now cannot have the SIRspheres that eliminated Dick's liver tumors, for insurance companies are simply not paying for them. Dick was in the initial clinical trial and the cost of the spheres was covered by the clinical trial protocol, and his insurance paid for all of the ancillary charges. What a catch-22 when insurance companies say there are not sufficient numbers of patients to prove the efficacy and will not approve a new treatment, and more patients cannot be given the treatments because of the expense!
Tonight we are home again, watching the snow fall gently on the evergreens and rocks around our mountain home, realizing that one more bridge has been crossed and that one more day has been a gift.
The last tangible reminder of those dark early days beginning chemotherapy is now a memory.
Lois and Dick (dx Nov. 2004 Stage IVb esophageal adenocarcinoma with mets to lymph nodes, lungs and liver. No discernible tumors by PET/CT since July, 2006.)

am I a sucker?

At the home show last weekend, I bought one of those Himalayan rock salt crystal lamps. Above is a pic of it next to my bed (and next to it is one of my favorite photos of my parents from the 70's, aw!).

Here is what it claims on the brochure thingy- removes allergens, pollens, dust, bacteria from the air, naturally alleviates symptoms of Asthma, enhances immune system function, speeds healing of wounds, provide relief from sinus and hay fever, air purifier and refresher. Basically the halogen bulb inside heats up and releases salts from this crystal into the air, purifying things.

When Abby and I initially walked up to the booth, we were half laughing at the idea of it. But I had heard of it before and read about it in different health mags and catalogs. While we were talking to the booth dude a woman walked up and told me that she was back to buy her second one because her husband swears it worked miracles on his allergies after she bought it for him last year.

Now, hearing this is almost as good to me (I said almost) as hearing they found a cure for cancer. Ever since my surgery and ensuing chemo treatments, my body is seemingly unable to filter out anything. I cough, sneeze, run, bleed, you name it at the slightest provocation, and it's five times worse when I try to sleep. It also doesn't help that A- I live in a house that is over 100 years old and B- dusting to me is as fun as pulling my eyelashes out one by one and C- I burn Nag Champa all day. Oh, and I sleep next to a radiator. Oh, and I have two dogs.

Soo- my question to you is, have you heard of this? Anyone have any success with this guy? It wasn't the most expensive thing in the world, so it's not like it's tragic if it doesn't. And yes, it's a little hoaky to me- the whole glowing crystal thing, but it also kind of appeals to the little hippy in me and if it works I couldn't care less. If anyone has other tips on naturally reducing allergens in the house I would love to hear them. I also run a humidifier at night and am thinking of getting one of those air purifiers if this doesn't work.

Today is chemo day. Erin S. is picking me up at 1045 for my 11am appt. Keep your fingers crossed that my levels are high and I can get treatment! This is the last one before Cabo!

Top that.

So, I thought I would start off my new blog with one of my favorite pictures of all time. This is Abby and me 'topping that' on New Years. If you've ever seen the 80's movie- Teen Witch, then you will know what I'm talking about. If you've never seen it then you really should take a sec and check it out here: http://youtube.com/results?search_query=top+that&search=Search

It's amazing.

Abby's face in this picture is so sassypants, it makes me laugh out loud every time I look at it. We had so much fun that night, it was the perfect way to begin this new year. It also should be a reminder to me that sleeveless = scary right now, but I digress.

Anyway, this is the new blog, and I'm really excited about it. Caringbridge has been an unbelievable source of knowledge, comfort, and community for me over the past year and a half, but I just felt the need to start something fresh and something that was all me, not just cancer-me. I will definitely still write about my health and keep everyone up to date in the same way I did on Caringbridge, but I hope to make it about other things too. I don't understand everything about this website yet, but I do know that you can still post comments to me- which are invaluable and make me smile and keep me going every day- and I also think you can subscribe to this so that it alerts you when I post. If you have questions about how to do this, email me and I'll figure it out for you.

The space is pretty blank right now, but I wanted to get it up and running before I went to Cabo because I'm hoping to be able to post pics while we're down there. My hope is that over time it will start to feel like me, but I have to say that it already feels so fresh and so clean compared to all the jazz going on with the other site. 2008 is all about new beginnings, and this is just one of them.

I'm getting ready for bed, because tomorrow is a big day. I'm still keeping mum on the news for now, but maybe tomorrow I'll tell..maybe. Tonight I watched the SAG awards and Angelina is TOTALLY pregnant! I have a slight obsession with award shows and was really bummed when the Golden Globes were canceled. That's the best one because it's a big party and all of the actors get drunk and say ridiculous things onstage. Anyway, best dress of the night was definitely Kate Hudson. I don't know who made it because I didn't see her on the red carpet but I loved the top of it.

Ok, those are my deep thoughts for the night. ..bedtime.
xo- Erin