and the award goes to..

Well, me. I mean to say that they literally gave me an award to commemorate the end of chemo. All I want to know is- where can I get this thing certified? Whoever is in charge of this crazy ride better be paying attention and take note of the fact that I passed this shitty course with flying colors- I even have the gold friggin stars to prove it- and I'm not really interested in taking a repeat. No summer sessions, no fall term- graduated and changing careers and leaving the state if I have to. Over it.

In other news, see sexy Ativan eyes below... This is me after a 4 hour chemo fest/blood transfusion and I'm just waking up but still all wonked out from the Ativan cocktail. If you ever see these eyes in person just do me a favor, smile and nod. Do not think that I will remember a single second of anything I say/promise/agree to because I am not at home. In fact I do remember yesterday somewhere in this haze that I had formed a new plan- I was going to write to Angelina Jolie and see if I could join forces with her and help starving babies all over Africa. This was literally my plan of action that sounded so lucid and right on, I was going to make it HAPPEN. Tomorrow. Forget the fact that I have two dogs, a brand new house, kind of had a rough two years myself, and oh- it's insane.

Anywho, now I'm back to reality and actually feeling pretty crappy. Kind of a constant sense of- ugh I want to puke, but I'm not going to. It'll pass and I just keep telling myself that it's the last time I have to feel this way. I'm trying to be Buddha about it and embrace it and sit with it so that next week I'll feel that much better having paid attention to what I went through. Buddha and drugs will see me through this..

Yesterday was actually kind of amazing in that all day long I received emails, phone calls, text messages, posts on this site, all from people who love me and are pulling for me. I found it incredibly moving, every half hour or hour I had another reminder that I am well loved and am not in this alone. So, thank you. So much.

Now I have to go and put my game face on.. I'm meeting with the central AC guy at 11 and the siding guy at 1115. Im going to start working on house things this week. Maybe I'll even buy a camera so I can start documenting this process and stop being that weird creepy girl taking pictures of all the neighbors houses with her cell phone...

calm before the storm

This photo makes me feel calm-

Today is my last chemo. I don't really have anything to say other than that. I'm going to pretend I'm on this beach in Oregon instead. Talk to you when I get home.

happy spring!

I know these aren't exactly spring blooms, but it's all I've got going on around here right now.

I'm going to take a nap now so that Abby and I can go get free Rita's later and then watch LOST. I love Thursdays.

i AM a girl

Jess just sent a few more memories my way via scanner (which I must now own), and I just wanted to share..

This is one of my favorite childhood pictures, circa 1982. I actually have hair, and you can really see the similarities in facial features between me/Rowen and Jess/Xander. I also love that I have almost identical window dressings in my house right now, and that my mom made these costumes by hand.

This is us at the beach, again 1980. I looked either confused or constipated, but my Gram looks fab in her glasses, and Jess looks just like her son (but a girl version, even with that omnipresent bowl cut). X even does that same hand to mouth thing that she is doing when he's excited.

And this is just an amazing picture. I'm about 1 and Jess is about 3 and we're sitting on the deck (which my father built) in the house I grew up in.

I love childhood memories for summertime, my sisters outfits (which I would not only wear now, but I would also probably fit into), and that genuine innocence only very young children truly possess.

time after time

Jess has a scanner and just sent this picture of us as babes on the beach:check out Jessi's gams.. although apparently even in 1980 I looked like a little boy...

hi, Tuesday

I know that Christmas was a long time ago already, but last night Lydia and I were at Meg's for a proper Irish dinner (Meg made the ham and cabbage, Lyd made soda bread, and I brought the Guiness), and anyway Meg and I were talking about Hannah Andersson and their amazing organic kids pjs so it made me remember this picture and here we are. It was taken at Nonna's house over this past Christmas- COULD THEY BE ANY CUTER? I think not. Watching Reilly run around last night and seeing baby Patrick in Meg's belly made my heart ache for my nephews, there's just no words to explain how big my love for them is. And actually this picture looks a lot like Jess and me as little girls, except that we had longer hair. Jess had that dark hair and was all legs (and had the EXACT same smile as Xander), while I was blond with the same round eyes as Rowen, only brown instead of blue. If I had a scanner I'd put one up of us to compare.. maybe I need to invest in that..

Chemo happened, which makes me happy because I had a small fear that my levels wouldn't be high enough for treatment. My whites were fine, reds a little low but not bad, and platelets were low. But they have some mathematical combination for the three numbers and it was still high enough in total to treat. I did lose two pounds from last week and haven't done anything different food-wise, but I think it's just that I'm getting kicked around a little at this point and I just have to wait it out. ONE MORE WEEK. Today I was very emotional about it and I really felt like I was wrapping things up when I met with Dr. Sun. I told him that I wasn't ready for a total divorce from the chemo, but I would try a trial separation. So, we'll see how this week goes. I'm going to try to get to acupuncture because I know how much it helps with my energy and generally calming down my innate sense of spaz. And Jen, thank you so much for the advice, I will email you for the details. I'm actually in Baltimore sometimes visiting Roxy, so maybe we can set up a time to meet and go together!

Right now I feel completely wiped out. I've been staring at my staircase for about a half hour, trying to decide if I'm going to ask Charlie or Boss to carry me up. But the time has come- goodnight.

the monsters under my bed

I just wanted to check in quickly and say that I'm fine. If anyone else suffers from insomnia, then you know how frustrating and crippling it can be in the moment. But I finally fell asleep sometime after 4, and now I'm up and getting ready for MY SECOND TO LAST CHEMO. Lydia is picking me up at 11, so this little boy needs to get up and put on his "face"

where's the off switch?

Sigh.. it's 219am and there's no rest for this weary brain of mine. I always have a hard night on the eve of chemo. No matter how physically exhausted I am from this process, my mind goes into overdrive when I shut off the lights. I even read until I barely have one eye open sometimes, but as soon as I don't have anything else to focus on besides me I start freaking out about- me. Well, mainly 'me' being my cancer and if/when it will come back and how soon/how long will I have and what -WHAT- can I do to feel like I have any control in this fucked up mess?

And then, in case matters of life and death aren't enough to get me going, I will usually fall back on more trivial, but also somehow more tragic musings, like how bad it sucks to be a 28 year old woman who looks like a 12 year old boy. Who's malnourished. And probably works in a coal mine, hence the total lack of color in the skin. Or he's a vampire. Whatever, it sucks. Does anybody realize that there is an actual use to a belt, other than to just look cute with the right outfit?? I got thru 27 years of my life without really realizing this fact, but now if I don't wear a belt, my pants will fall down. Literally. And that, my friends, is sad. What is even more sad right now is that I have 3 eyelashes on my left eye and two on my right, and pretty much no eyebrows left to speak of. I can't leave the house (well, leave Fishtown- ha!) without drawing on my face or I will scare little children.

I realize that this may seem like small fries when compared with the massiveness of the whole cancer life/death thing, but it's weirdly different. You can't see cancer, you can't stop and stare and whisper at someone's cancer on the street. What you do stare and whisper at are the effects of cancer treatment on people. I may have cancer, but I know you're looking at the fact that I have no eyebrows from chemo, and that makes it suck on a more concrete level. Not sure if that makes sense to you or only to me but it is what it is.

There are other things I think about on these nights where I don't sleep, but for now this is all I can talk about. I'm hoping by talking (well, writing) about my fears they will somehow go away and leave me alone. At least get out of my head, down thru my arms, out thru my fingertips and into the vast internets. I know I'm all worked up and it's getting worse because the end of chemo is so near. Im just scared, that's all. But at the same time, when I stop feeling sorry for myself for three minutes, I'm also really excited and happy and ready to have a few things back (mainly hair and boobs, and the ability to climb a flight of stairs without being winded).

I need to relax. I want so badly to get back into yoga, but this is going to have to wait a few weeks until I regain some strength. Same for riding my bike. What else can I do to let it go without having to do anything physically demanding? I'm thinking I need more acupuncture and meditation music, but any other suggestions?

Ok, I'm getting up to eat some Pirates Booty. Enough of this laying around in bed.

who needs medication?

If you need a self esteem boost, just move to Fishtown. I love the fact that I can walk my dogs in my pajamas and slippers and coat (which I just did, btw) and still feel relatively well-dressed in comparison. On another day that might have depressed me, but today I'm choosing half-full.

Also, I should have included this picture the other day, but forgot. I love this little grey house with a yellow door on a tiny side street in the hood.

Not just top 5, I would say this is top 2 or 3 favorite song of all time ever:

if I had to sum me up

in one sentence, this would be it:


God, I love the internet.

the fish

Fishtown photos..

The Rag Flats

Berks Hewson- (green roof, rainwater collection tank, solar thermal panels on roof, and a Neighborhood Electric Vehicle comes with the house)

This is a car for sale in the neighborhood that makes me nostalgic for a car my mom had when Jess and I were tiny (except that it was dark blue not baby blue, and probably didn't look anything like this in actuality).

bamboo

I don't know what they're calling this one but it's about 2 blocks from my house and I think the ground floor is going to be retail space, maybe a coffeeshop?

I took these photos with my phone a few weeks ago while walking the dogs. I don't know why I posted them today except that maybe it's because I had to let my contractor in at 830 this morning to begin work on the inside of the house, and it got me excited. He said he's going to try and tear down all the ceilings today, so I'll stop by later and take some pictures. Anyway, I slept horribly last night and am convinced today that I have a brain tumor, but I'm trying to rally anyway and take my dogs to the park. We'll see how that goes.

here comes the sun

Ready or not, it's almost time for me to re-enter the world. Yesterday at chemo I learned that this would be my last round, which means that I have only 2 treatments left, the last one being on March 25th. I thought I had two rounds left (two rounds of three weeks with one week off in between), but Dr. Sun decided that wouldn't be necessary. The standard protocol for my situation is to treat with 4 months of chemo, and I've already reached that. Any treatment beyond that is considered 'extra insurance', so by the time I'm done I'll have had 5 months total. He even suggested that I could finish treatment yesterday, but I told him that I wasn't ready for that.

After my last dose I'll have a CAT scan, and if that comes back clean I won't go back to visit for 3 months. If there is any indication of disease from the scan, we'll decide what to do at that point. I know that I can never be certain, but I feel like this first scan will turn out fine. I just think that if there are any cancerous cells in my body, they are hiding from the chemo, not growing. It's anybodies guess what will happen down the road, and if I'm to be totally honest I have to admit that I'm terrified of stopping treatment. But I'm also excited about the semi-instant gratifications (ie. hair, weight, energy, looking like a girl instead of a boy) that come with a chemo-free life. I do have a thing or two up my sleeve that I'm not ready to talk about yet, but they are in the works for my post-cancer life.

Anyway, I'm trying to just stay in the moment and roll with whatever happens my way. I've managed to work it out so far, and (kind of like everyone else) I can't control what's in store for me in five minutes let alone 5 years. So as much as is my natural instinct to plan and stress, I'm doing my damnedest not to.

Last week was my off week, which was perfect because I had a lot going on. On Friday I went over to Ashley's for Taconelli's (the best pizza in Philly) and I got to meet some new Fishtowners, which is always great. On Saturday was Abby's wedding shower, see below-

I felt like being a brunette that day. Saturday night I went out with Kiley and some of her friends. We saw a band at The Church and then went out for a drink-

I'm kind of digging the blonde, what do you think? On Sunday Roxy and I drove to North Jersey for Meg's wedding shower-

Guess which one I am? No, I'm kidding I'm not in this one!

It was a long but fun weekend, and now I'm back on the final regimen, and exhausted. Talk soon- E.

family portrait

I took this photo with my phone today while I was out for a walk with the boys, and kind of love it.

We are at Nonna's house with Jess and her boys too. It's my week off from chemo, Ben has spring break from school, Gram just got home from a week of oysters and champaign in Florida with her fella, and Pete just got back from a boating trip to Ecuador, so we're all here hanging out. Tomorrow I'm heading back to the city.

I don't have much else to say... I'm getting ready to watch the season finale of Project Runway, and think Christian is going to win it all.. I'm drinking an Airborne cocktail because Xander had a fever of 104 all last night and today, we aren't sure if it's the flu. I guess I'll find out in the next few days.. spring, where did you go??

great song-

here I am!

settlement day!

I know I've been MIA, and I felt badly for not posting after closing. But here's what happened- settlement was fine and I now own the house. But I didn't sleep at all the night before because I was so excited for the next day and then I woke up to my realtor text messaging me- she forgot that we had to do the walk through. So I had to rush to get ready, feed and walk the dogs, and get over to the new house to do the walk through before going to the office at 9 for settlement. Then once I got downtown and sat down with everyone I realized that I left the certified check at home on my dining room table. So I had to race home, grab the check, and race back. Everything worked out but by the time I got back to my house afterwards I was exhausted and had to cancel my other two appointments for the day and go to bed. It's so frustrating because in my previous life I would have kept going for another two hours before even having breakfast, but now being on chemo I get so wiped out. I was literally in bed for the next day and a half, and I could feel my heart pounding. Over the weekend I could do things during the day but would crash hard in the afternoon and that would be it for the night.

But today I feel SO much better. This is my week off from chemo, so I'll feel great until next Tuesday. I met with the contractor and the project manager this morning; they will hopefully get started next week. I've been in there in the meantime trying to clean. I am not- by any stretch of imagination- a clean freak. But there is something about other people's dirt that just grosses me out. Not to mention the lady I bought the house from had cats and the whole house seems to be covered in hair.

I bought a shopvac and spent hours literally vacuuming out the cracks in the wood floors. She also liked to use lots of artificial fragrances and chemical cleansers- which are toxic and gross. So I had the windows open all day, trying to get some fresh air in there and I mopped the floors with vinegar and water. In case you think this is weird, it's actually a great way to clean without harsh chemicals. Here is a website that I use to create natural cleansers. Baking soda is my new favorite thing, and who knew?! Plus it's so inexpensive and completely harmless to your body- it's fantastic. The other day I made scrambled eggs and they were all stuck on the pan and I was scrubbing and scrubbing to get them off. Then I remembered baking soda and I put a little in some water and literally just had to wipe and it all came off!

You all might think I'm a big dummy for not already knowing these things, but I just automatically thought- dirty dish, use dish product. Dirty floor, use floor product. Dirty sink, use another product. And all of these products are full of mystery chemicals and do not need FDA approval to be sold in the United States, nor are they required to list their ingredients on the bottle. Some do, but they do not legally have to. Have you ever used a 'bathroom cleanser' and almost felt high off the fumes? It's all a little scary to me, and I'm not saying I got cancer from Clorox, but nobody can seem to tell me why I did get it, so who knows!

OK- sorry for ranting, I get all worked up about the chemicals! So it was a gorgeous day and I took the dogs on a really long walk around Fishtown and ended up at Ashley's house talking to her for awhile. Then I went to Ikea to get some ideas for the house and then I went to South Philly to take a yoga class that Kiley is teaching this month. I was so excited to go and start up yoga again with a teacher that I feel really comfortable with etc, etc.. but I got lost and couldn't find the building and by the time I found it I was too late and the door was LOCKED! So, I'm going to get there for sure next Monday.

Speaking of exercising this body, check out what I'm getting tomorrow:

Ohhh!! Isn't she pretty? I found it on Craigslist, it's a Raleigh 3spd from the 70s. Abby and I have big plans to ride bikes this summer so I had to get it. I find it hard to imagine me peddling anywhere very fast right now, but soon come. Spring will be here and chemo will be done and I'll be cruising all over the Fish! yeay! I had a beautiful black vintage Schwinn a few years ago when I lived downtown and I really loved that bike. But a- I got the tire caught in a trolley track and flipped it while riding it b- it was really heavy and c- I don't think I'm cut out for downtown riding. I need to be more of a local girl. Oh, and d- I was an idiot and "locked it up outside", which meant wrapping the cord around it and through the rail, not through the bike. So, some other short girl in Philly is riding that beautiful thing, and I curse her and hope she lives in a 5th floor walkup.

Anywho, tomorrow is supposed to be another beautiful day. Maybe I'll take her for a spin before I pack up me and the boys and head to mom's house for a few days. What is everybody else up to?