sunshine and happiness

I want this dress to be mine and for me to be wearing it in the sunshine. And if my hair was long like hers and my backyard looked like this I would be fine with that too.

Life has been crazy for me, but in a good way. I have so much that is new and exciting to report, but I won't be able to get into details yet because there really isn't time! Tomorrow Ashley and I are leaving for a trip to LA, and I haven't even packed yet. I'll be home again on Monday morning only to leave again on Wednesday for Jamaica. And then Abby's wedding is the following weekend. Also, the house is 'supposed' to be ready soon. It will be a busy few weeks for me, but I'm so happy to be traveling to warm and sunny places. I'll be sure to take lots of pictures.

I'm slowly getting my strength back from the chemo. My eyelashes are growing in quickly (they're short little stubs now) and my eyebrows have started, though I still need to draw them on every day, or they kind of look like I have a 5 o'clock shadow over my eyes. It's really weird and freaky looking. But every day there's more and more, so I'm just kind of hanging in there.

I'm going to try and sleep now so I can get about a zillion things done tomorrow before my flight.

xx

AND, breathe...

Today I got the news that I have been waiting to hear- the results of the CAT scan came back clean. This means there is "No Evidence of Disease" in my body, or NED. I really kind of hate the word NED and always imagine someone fairly unattractive when I hear it (sorry if that's your name), but today I'M Ned, and couldn't be happier.

Dr. Sun told me that I'm a 'true cancer survivor".. I think he means like a warrior I've been dealt some of the worst blows and I just keep coming back fighting. Never underestimate us tiny guys.. small but mighty! They do (of course) want me to gain weight, which I'm trying hard to do. I've gained two pounds since chemo ended, and will continue to gain slowly I'm sure. Last summer I had gained all of my weight back by the end of August. I have about 15 more pounds to gain, how long does that normally take? I have no idea.

Anyway I'm so glad that this scan came back clean; I told the nurses that were taking my blood that it better come back clean because I'm too busy to deal with this shit anymore. Cancer is very time consuming, and I have a lot going on. No time for this nonsense.

But today I have time..I'm sitting in my backyard listening to my neighbors fight about going out too much, and lots of F bombs are being dropped and doors are being slammed, and I'm just glad that's not my life. My dogs are sleeping in the sun and I'm thanking whoever for being able to be here today. Tonight, I shall celebrate.

I heart the rest of Philly too

Even though Northern Liberties is considered a different neighborhood, it feels like an extension of Fishtown and I love it like it's my own hood. This morning (er, early afternoon) me Boss and Charlie went for a cafe ole at Canvas Coffeeshop on Girard and then to the dogpark on Oriana and Poplar. The boys love this park, and as soon as we start driving down 4th they know where we're going and get all worked up. I love this park too because the dogs are always so good, the people are chill, and there's lots of benches to sit in the sun and read or zone out while the boys run around and wear themselves out.

This is what the park looks like before all the dogs come and it gets crazy. Today there was a 3 legged Pitbull and a Chihuahua/Jack Russell mix that was blind in one eye and kept spinning in circles so he could get a full view of the situation. Hilarious.

It's so relaxing here, especially when the sun is shining and I have a good magazine or book, that I end up sitting for hours without really realizing it. And my dogs are so good, it makes me proud to be their mama because they get along with all the dogs and never cause problems. Everyone is always surprised by Charlie and how he likes to get right in with the big dogs and play. He also likes to defend Boss if any dogs seem like they're getting too personal. He's a good big brother.

Boss, on the other hand, doesn't pay any attention to either of us when we're at the park. He likes to collect as many balls as possible and then lay in the dirt and possessively lick them and breath hard.

Yesterday Abby, Briana, Danielle and I met up for some shopping in Old City and I actually found 2 dresses at Sugarcube for the upcoming weddings. And neither one needs to be altered, and they are both made for women, not small children. Yeay! I actually can't wait to wear them and am so happy that I was able to find something that not only fit, but is so pretty. I'll post pics in May. Later Abby and I watched watched the pilot episode of Twin Peaks. I netflixed it months ago but the series just came out so we watched the first one and ate popcorn that Abby made with butter, rosemary, Parmesan and pepper. Delicious. The show is pretty bizarre and funny and creepy at the same time. I remember my mom loving it back in the day (1990) when it was on the air.

This song also reminds me of my mom. I remember her singing it around the house growing up, and it's definitely in my top 10, if not top 5.

i heart fishtown

On Thursday I went to my first yoga class since my surgery in October. It felt amazing and I'm so glad that I finally went back. I had been wanting to go for months but was just scared that I wasn't ready or that I was going to hurt myself. I bought a yoga DVD several months ago, with the intention of practicing at home until I was ready to take classes again, but this was when I was still on chemo and my body was SO not ready. I hurt myself and was in pain for over a week and didn't try again.

But now that I'm getting stronger I knew it was time to go back. I also needed something to help relax me since I'm not doing acupuncture anymore. The studio I went to is called Angler Movement Arts Center and is in Fishtown. And since it was so warm outside I rode my bike, which was hilarious and I kind of wish someone was with me to see me swerving all over the road and laughing at myself. But I made it there and home and on Friday I was sore but in a good way. And I'm happier on the inside, which is what matters. The class was full of other dirty hippy Fishtowners, so I felt right at home. I definitely smelled an armpit or two, and maybe some 'essential oils'. The teacher was great, and was really careful with me since I previously explained about having surgery on my abdomen.

Anyway, it was a good night for me, and I felt really at peace riding home in my neighborhood. You can see things in an entirely different way when you're on your bike versus driving in a car. But I still don't think I'll be taking my bike anywhere outside of the neighborhood anytime soon. I need to work on a few fundamentals first!

Here's another picture of a random Fishtown street that I found while walking the boys-

It's going to be 75 today, and I'm going shopping in Old City with Abby and Briana. I'm on a mission to find a dress that fits for the upcoming weddings. This probably means checking out the children's section of our local Gap, but I'm not giving in yet.

chill out

This weekend Abby's closest friends threw her a bachelorette party at the beach. It was totally Abby-style; completely laid back and low key. It was the most un-bachelorette-like bachelorette party I have ever been to...no strippers or penis straws or awkward games. Instead we sat around and talked and had drinks and laughed a lot. It was beautiful all day Saturday and we spent hours outside. Keri and Danielle did some pretty intense yoga while everyone else lazily sat around and watched. Later in the day we had a masseuse come out to the house to give everyone massages and then made a huge dinner. Sunday we did a little shopping before heading home. All in all pretty perfect.

bride-to-be

Abby had stamps made with our names on them. Pretty much the best present ever.

Keri, Danielle, and Charlie do yoga in the morning.

mid-morning snack

girls

Charlie gets his hair did

me, Heather, Keri, Danielle, Briana, Abby

new beginnings

The new loves of my life: basil, lavender, and rosemary:

I know right now it just looks like dirt, but I like to think of them as little baby incubators. It's the perfect environment for new life- sun and warm and dirt and water and LOVE!

I feel like a mother hen, checking on them first thing every morning and throughout the day. I don't know what I'm going to do while I'm at the beach this weekend for Abby's bachelorette party. It's will be my first night away from these babes...

Look really closely around the top left corner you can see the first shoot of basil! This picture is about a week old, I actually have about 20 shoots now.

Ive had such a brown thumb all of my life that it makes me beyond happy to to see things grow under my care. We'll see if I can keep these babies alive but right now they keep getting bigger every day!

I got my 3 hairs cut this week. Actually, I have way more than 3. My hair is so bizarre, it's still falling out but growing in at the same time. Whitney cut it super short and choppy and it actually helps to hide the parts that don't have quite as much hair. We were talking about it and it looks like I probably lost about 25% of my hair, which isn't that bad all things considered. I lost about 75% of my eyebrows and eyelashes though, compared to last chemo where I lost almost all of my hair but hardly any on my eyes. So weird. Anyway, I can tell that it's slowing down though, there is less and less hair on my pillow in the morning. I still feel a little nauseous but hopefully that will start to ebb soon. Since it's been cut I've actually been wearing it without a scarf or wig, even though it makes me self conscious. I'm just so SICK of having something on my head all the time. I was feeling pretty bad about it today, but then I was at Target and in comes a woman who was as bald as Mr. Clean and didn't have it covered up at all. I'm so glad I saw her, it helped me to get things back into perspective. I wanted to give her a hug.

We are heading to Avalon tonight and are spending the weekend at Jed's parents house. I would let you know what we have planned, but just in case Abby reads this before we leave I don't want to give anything away. But what I can say is that, it's going to be a totally relaxing weekend with good friends and good food and good wine and exactly what is needed right now.

Happy Friday.

what's so funny?

Today is my first official non-chemo Tuesday. I'm a little (or a lot) freaked out by everything, and trying not to think too much about it. Which, for me is practically impossible considering that I over analyze which deodorant to buy, but I'm trying. They are going to scan me in a few weeks to make sure the chemo was successful, and I think once I have that behind me I'll be able to relax a tiny bit. But in the meantime I'm pretty sure that I have fingernail, brain, and/or ear cancer..

Since I'm obviously trying not to be dramatic about the situation, I thought it might help me to watch some funny movies. I would say television too, but I don't really think sitcoms are that funny- I tend to think they're dumb. I do have a recommendation to watch a British comedy called Absolutely Fabulous, so that's on my list, but can anyone else recommend some funny movies for me to netflix? Also, I don't love to watch movies twice and I've seen most of the common "funny" ones (Borat, Dumb and Dumber, Napoleon Dynamite, yada yada) so any ideas on less popular movies?

This weekend Abby and Jed had an ice cream party. They made 4 different kinds of ice cream, their own hot fudge, caramel, and whipped cream. I brought Guinness and we made ice cream floats. It was delicious. I have a new camera now, thanks to an amazing, and tall (amazingly tall) chemo elf, and we decided to take action shots with it. This is our series called 'jump'-

This is Abby. She is excited about her new dress and cute tights.

This is Jon. He's excited because he just turned 30 and people are still throwing him ice cream parties.

This is me and Abby. We're excited about pretty much everything. I know we aren't in the air, but I blame that on Jon and his camera skills. We jumped and hi- fived, but he caught us on the way down.

This is the song Ive been listening to all day. It's probably not new, but it's the first time I heard it and I really like it. Kanye West and Chris Martin:

and the award goes to..

Well, me. I mean to say that they literally gave me an award to commemorate the end of chemo. All I want to know is- where can I get this thing certified? Whoever is in charge of this crazy ride better be paying attention and take note of the fact that I passed this shitty course with flying colors- I even have the gold friggin stars to prove it- and I'm not really interested in taking a repeat. No summer sessions, no fall term- graduated and changing careers and leaving the state if I have to. Over it.

In other news, see sexy Ativan eyes below... This is me after a 4 hour chemo fest/blood transfusion and I'm just waking up but still all wonked out from the Ativan cocktail. If you ever see these eyes in person just do me a favor, smile and nod. Do not think that I will remember a single second of anything I say/promise/agree to because I am not at home. In fact I do remember yesterday somewhere in this haze that I had formed a new plan- I was going to write to Angelina Jolie and see if I could join forces with her and help starving babies all over Africa. This was literally my plan of action that sounded so lucid and right on, I was going to make it HAPPEN. Tomorrow. Forget the fact that I have two dogs, a brand new house, kind of had a rough two years myself, and oh- it's insane.

Anywho, now I'm back to reality and actually feeling pretty crappy. Kind of a constant sense of- ugh I want to puke, but I'm not going to. It'll pass and I just keep telling myself that it's the last time I have to feel this way. I'm trying to be Buddha about it and embrace it and sit with it so that next week I'll feel that much better having paid attention to what I went through. Buddha and drugs will see me through this..

Yesterday was actually kind of amazing in that all day long I received emails, phone calls, text messages, posts on this site, all from people who love me and are pulling for me. I found it incredibly moving, every half hour or hour I had another reminder that I am well loved and am not in this alone. So, thank you. So much.

Now I have to go and put my game face on.. I'm meeting with the central AC guy at 11 and the siding guy at 1115. Im going to start working on house things this week. Maybe I'll even buy a camera so I can start documenting this process and stop being that weird creepy girl taking pictures of all the neighbors houses with her cell phone...

calm before the storm

This photo makes me feel calm-

Today is my last chemo. I don't really have anything to say other than that. I'm going to pretend I'm on this beach in Oregon instead. Talk to you when I get home.

happy spring!

I know these aren't exactly spring blooms, but it's all I've got going on around here right now.

I'm going to take a nap now so that Abby and I can go get free Rita's later and then watch LOST. I love Thursdays.

i AM a girl

Jess just sent a few more memories my way via scanner (which I must now own), and I just wanted to share..

This is one of my favorite childhood pictures, circa 1982. I actually have hair, and you can really see the similarities in facial features between me/Rowen and Jess/Xander. I also love that I have almost identical window dressings in my house right now, and that my mom made these costumes by hand.

This is us at the beach, again 1980. I looked either confused or constipated, but my Gram looks fab in her glasses, and Jess looks just like her son (but a girl version, even with that omnipresent bowl cut). X even does that same hand to mouth thing that she is doing when he's excited.

And this is just an amazing picture. I'm about 1 and Jess is about 3 and we're sitting on the deck (which my father built) in the house I grew up in.

I love childhood memories for summertime, my sisters outfits (which I would not only wear now, but I would also probably fit into), and that genuine innocence only very young children truly possess.

time after time

Jess has a scanner and just sent this picture of us as babes on the beach:check out Jessi's gams.. although apparently even in 1980 I looked like a little boy...

hi, Tuesday

I know that Christmas was a long time ago already, but last night Lydia and I were at Meg's for a proper Irish dinner (Meg made the ham and cabbage, Lyd made soda bread, and I brought the Guiness), and anyway Meg and I were talking about Hannah Andersson and their amazing organic kids pjs so it made me remember this picture and here we are. It was taken at Nonna's house over this past Christmas- COULD THEY BE ANY CUTER? I think not. Watching Reilly run around last night and seeing baby Patrick in Meg's belly made my heart ache for my nephews, there's just no words to explain how big my love for them is. And actually this picture looks a lot like Jess and me as little girls, except that we had longer hair. Jess had that dark hair and was all legs (and had the EXACT same smile as Xander), while I was blond with the same round eyes as Rowen, only brown instead of blue. If I had a scanner I'd put one up of us to compare.. maybe I need to invest in that..

Chemo happened, which makes me happy because I had a small fear that my levels wouldn't be high enough for treatment. My whites were fine, reds a little low but not bad, and platelets were low. But they have some mathematical combination for the three numbers and it was still high enough in total to treat. I did lose two pounds from last week and haven't done anything different food-wise, but I think it's just that I'm getting kicked around a little at this point and I just have to wait it out. ONE MORE WEEK. Today I was very emotional about it and I really felt like I was wrapping things up when I met with Dr. Sun. I told him that I wasn't ready for a total divorce from the chemo, but I would try a trial separation. So, we'll see how this week goes. I'm going to try to get to acupuncture because I know how much it helps with my energy and generally calming down my innate sense of spaz. And Jen, thank you so much for the advice, I will email you for the details. I'm actually in Baltimore sometimes visiting Roxy, so maybe we can set up a time to meet and go together!

Right now I feel completely wiped out. I've been staring at my staircase for about a half hour, trying to decide if I'm going to ask Charlie or Boss to carry me up. But the time has come- goodnight.

the monsters under my bed

I just wanted to check in quickly and say that I'm fine. If anyone else suffers from insomnia, then you know how frustrating and crippling it can be in the moment. But I finally fell asleep sometime after 4, and now I'm up and getting ready for MY SECOND TO LAST CHEMO. Lydia is picking me up at 11, so this little boy needs to get up and put on his "face"

where's the off switch?

Sigh.. it's 219am and there's no rest for this weary brain of mine. I always have a hard night on the eve of chemo. No matter how physically exhausted I am from this process, my mind goes into overdrive when I shut off the lights. I even read until I barely have one eye open sometimes, but as soon as I don't have anything else to focus on besides me I start freaking out about- me. Well, mainly 'me' being my cancer and if/when it will come back and how soon/how long will I have and what -WHAT- can I do to feel like I have any control in this fucked up mess?

And then, in case matters of life and death aren't enough to get me going, I will usually fall back on more trivial, but also somehow more tragic musings, like how bad it sucks to be a 28 year old woman who looks like a 12 year old boy. Who's malnourished. And probably works in a coal mine, hence the total lack of color in the skin. Or he's a vampire. Whatever, it sucks. Does anybody realize that there is an actual use to a belt, other than to just look cute with the right outfit?? I got thru 27 years of my life without really realizing this fact, but now if I don't wear a belt, my pants will fall down. Literally. And that, my friends, is sad. What is even more sad right now is that I have 3 eyelashes on my left eye and two on my right, and pretty much no eyebrows left to speak of. I can't leave the house (well, leave Fishtown- ha!) without drawing on my face or I will scare little children.

I realize that this may seem like small fries when compared with the massiveness of the whole cancer life/death thing, but it's weirdly different. You can't see cancer, you can't stop and stare and whisper at someone's cancer on the street. What you do stare and whisper at are the effects of cancer treatment on people. I may have cancer, but I know you're looking at the fact that I have no eyebrows from chemo, and that makes it suck on a more concrete level. Not sure if that makes sense to you or only to me but it is what it is.

There are other things I think about on these nights where I don't sleep, but for now this is all I can talk about. I'm hoping by talking (well, writing) about my fears they will somehow go away and leave me alone. At least get out of my head, down thru my arms, out thru my fingertips and into the vast internets. I know I'm all worked up and it's getting worse because the end of chemo is so near. Im just scared, that's all. But at the same time, when I stop feeling sorry for myself for three minutes, I'm also really excited and happy and ready to have a few things back (mainly hair and boobs, and the ability to climb a flight of stairs without being winded).

I need to relax. I want so badly to get back into yoga, but this is going to have to wait a few weeks until I regain some strength. Same for riding my bike. What else can I do to let it go without having to do anything physically demanding? I'm thinking I need more acupuncture and meditation music, but any other suggestions?

Ok, I'm getting up to eat some Pirates Booty. Enough of this laying around in bed.

who needs medication?

If you need a self esteem boost, just move to Fishtown. I love the fact that I can walk my dogs in my pajamas and slippers and coat (which I just did, btw) and still feel relatively well-dressed in comparison. On another day that might have depressed me, but today I'm choosing half-full.

Also, I should have included this picture the other day, but forgot. I love this little grey house with a yellow door on a tiny side street in the hood.

Not just top 5, I would say this is top 2 or 3 favorite song of all time ever:

if I had to sum me up

in one sentence, this would be it:


God, I love the internet.

the fish

Fishtown photos..

The Rag Flats

Berks Hewson- (green roof, rainwater collection tank, solar thermal panels on roof, and a Neighborhood Electric Vehicle comes with the house)

This is a car for sale in the neighborhood that makes me nostalgic for a car my mom had when Jess and I were tiny (except that it was dark blue not baby blue, and probably didn't look anything like this in actuality).

bamboo

I don't know what they're calling this one but it's about 2 blocks from my house and I think the ground floor is going to be retail space, maybe a coffeeshop?

I took these photos with my phone a few weeks ago while walking the dogs. I don't know why I posted them today except that maybe it's because I had to let my contractor in at 830 this morning to begin work on the inside of the house, and it got me excited. He said he's going to try and tear down all the ceilings today, so I'll stop by later and take some pictures. Anyway, I slept horribly last night and am convinced today that I have a brain tumor, but I'm trying to rally anyway and take my dogs to the park. We'll see how that goes.

here comes the sun

Ready or not, it's almost time for me to re-enter the world. Yesterday at chemo I learned that this would be my last round, which means that I have only 2 treatments left, the last one being on March 25th. I thought I had two rounds left (two rounds of three weeks with one week off in between), but Dr. Sun decided that wouldn't be necessary. The standard protocol for my situation is to treat with 4 months of chemo, and I've already reached that. Any treatment beyond that is considered 'extra insurance', so by the time I'm done I'll have had 5 months total. He even suggested that I could finish treatment yesterday, but I told him that I wasn't ready for that.

After my last dose I'll have a CAT scan, and if that comes back clean I won't go back to visit for 3 months. If there is any indication of disease from the scan, we'll decide what to do at that point. I know that I can never be certain, but I feel like this first scan will turn out fine. I just think that if there are any cancerous cells in my body, they are hiding from the chemo, not growing. It's anybodies guess what will happen down the road, and if I'm to be totally honest I have to admit that I'm terrified of stopping treatment. But I'm also excited about the semi-instant gratifications (ie. hair, weight, energy, looking like a girl instead of a boy) that come with a chemo-free life. I do have a thing or two up my sleeve that I'm not ready to talk about yet, but they are in the works for my post-cancer life.

Anyway, I'm trying to just stay in the moment and roll with whatever happens my way. I've managed to work it out so far, and (kind of like everyone else) I can't control what's in store for me in five minutes let alone 5 years. So as much as is my natural instinct to plan and stress, I'm doing my damnedest not to.

Last week was my off week, which was perfect because I had a lot going on. On Friday I went over to Ashley's for Taconelli's (the best pizza in Philly) and I got to meet some new Fishtowners, which is always great. On Saturday was Abby's wedding shower, see below-

I felt like being a brunette that day. Saturday night I went out with Kiley and some of her friends. We saw a band at The Church and then went out for a drink-

I'm kind of digging the blonde, what do you think? On Sunday Roxy and I drove to North Jersey for Meg's wedding shower-

Guess which one I am? No, I'm kidding I'm not in this one!

It was a long but fun weekend, and now I'm back on the final regimen, and exhausted. Talk soon- E.

family portrait

I took this photo with my phone today while I was out for a walk with the boys, and kind of love it.

We are at Nonna's house with Jess and her boys too. It's my week off from chemo, Ben has spring break from school, Gram just got home from a week of oysters and champaign in Florida with her fella, and Pete just got back from a boating trip to Ecuador, so we're all here hanging out. Tomorrow I'm heading back to the city.

I don't have much else to say... I'm getting ready to watch the season finale of Project Runway, and think Christian is going to win it all.. I'm drinking an Airborne cocktail because Xander had a fever of 104 all last night and today, we aren't sure if it's the flu. I guess I'll find out in the next few days.. spring, where did you go??

great song-