Well, I'm home from Cabo and back in the real world of Almond Street in February. This isn't much different than Almond street in any other month, except that the trash on the street is covered by a layer of snow. It almost makes it charming, but it doesn't quite get there and I'm more excited than ever to live on my new CLEAN and sunny street.
I'll post more about Cabo when I'm feeling better, but today was chemo so I'm pretty beat. Roxy drove up last night from Baltimore and took me to my appt. I just realized while I was sitting here that I spent the past week with my two oldest friends- my sister and then Roxy. It feels so good to spend time with people that have known you forever, and totally get you, and love you either because of or sometimes in spite of that! And then AbbyMaxx came over to visit this afternoon and we all spent a few hours together while I was getting infused. Roxy got into the hospital bed with me and Ab brought her pizza and me soup and we just chilled. I like to bring the party to me, right Ab?
It was actually a great appointment, and Dr. Sun was super positive. In fact I have never heard him be more positive, or at least not in a long time. His exact words were that I was doing great and that this was just for insurance and that it was better safe than sorry. My white cell count was a little low, but I had been off of the Neopogen (or Neulasta, I always forget which one it is) shots for a week so it makes sense, and my hemoglobin level (red blood cells) and platelet count were high, so my overall level was high enough for treatment. I also gained 3 pounds since last treatment- YEAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it has to do with all of the amazing Mexican and seafood I ate in Cabo, plus all of the Pina Coladas. I had a constant stomach ache at the end of every day, but it was so worth.
Even though it was a good appt today, it's pretty scary for me to talk about the end of my treatment with Dr. Sun (currently slated for beginning of May) when just a month ago I had "experts" telling me that I have a year to live. This whole cancer trip has been excruciatingly painful at times physically, but if you took that and multiplied it by a million- that might come close to describing how emotionally painful it can be. I know that I am not a statistic and etc, etc, etc- but you try taking that kind of diagnosis in stride. It really screwed me up in the head for a few weeks. But the truth is, nobody knows. NOBODY KNOWS. People die every day; good people, bad people, strong people, weak people. I could die in a car accident tomorrow and not die from cancer at all! I read an online EC listserve, and there are people on there literally every day living with Stage IV esophageal cancer and beating the odds. Surviving for years and years. Of course there are people on there who die too, but this cancer is really just a small mimic of what happens in the rest of the world on other levels... people die, beat odds, do incredible things, suffer fallbacks, every day.
Anyway, my point is that I had a rough few weeks trying to process everything and I finally realized that I can't live my life like that. There are things about living that are totally scary, but so many more that are amazing, wonderful, and 100% worth it. And when I heard Dr. Sun talking to me today, I felt happy and hopeful but then instantly afraid of those feelings (what can I say, I'm working on it!). I keep saying that I want to stay on chemo forever to keep the cancer at bay. But that's not really true. I want to finish chemo and move on and get back into the rest of the world, scary and not.
xo
I'll post more about Cabo when I'm feeling better, but today was chemo so I'm pretty beat. Roxy drove up last night from Baltimore and took me to my appt. I just realized while I was sitting here that I spent the past week with my two oldest friends- my sister and then Roxy. It feels so good to spend time with people that have known you forever, and totally get you, and love you either because of or sometimes in spite of that! And then AbbyMaxx came over to visit this afternoon and we all spent a few hours together while I was getting infused. Roxy got into the hospital bed with me and Ab brought her pizza and me soup and we just chilled. I like to bring the party to me, right Ab?
It was actually a great appointment, and Dr. Sun was super positive. In fact I have never heard him be more positive, or at least not in a long time. His exact words were that I was doing great and that this was just for insurance and that it was better safe than sorry. My white cell count was a little low, but I had been off of the Neopogen (or Neulasta, I always forget which one it is) shots for a week so it makes sense, and my hemoglobin level (red blood cells) and platelet count were high, so my overall level was high enough for treatment. I also gained 3 pounds since last treatment- YEAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it has to do with all of the amazing Mexican and seafood I ate in Cabo, plus all of the Pina Coladas. I had a constant stomach ache at the end of every day, but it was so worth.
Even though it was a good appt today, it's pretty scary for me to talk about the end of my treatment with Dr. Sun (currently slated for beginning of May) when just a month ago I had "experts" telling me that I have a year to live. This whole cancer trip has been excruciatingly painful at times physically, but if you took that and multiplied it by a million- that might come close to describing how emotionally painful it can be. I know that I am not a statistic and etc, etc, etc- but you try taking that kind of diagnosis in stride. It really screwed me up in the head for a few weeks. But the truth is, nobody knows. NOBODY KNOWS. People die every day; good people, bad people, strong people, weak people. I could die in a car accident tomorrow and not die from cancer at all! I read an online EC listserve, and there are people on there literally every day living with Stage IV esophageal cancer and beating the odds. Surviving for years and years. Of course there are people on there who die too, but this cancer is really just a small mimic of what happens in the rest of the world on other levels... people die, beat odds, do incredible things, suffer fallbacks, every day.
Anyway, my point is that I had a rough few weeks trying to process everything and I finally realized that I can't live my life like that. There are things about living that are totally scary, but so many more that are amazing, wonderful, and 100% worth it. And when I heard Dr. Sun talking to me today, I felt happy and hopeful but then instantly afraid of those feelings (what can I say, I'm working on it!). I keep saying that I want to stay on chemo forever to keep the cancer at bay. But that's not really true. I want to finish chemo and move on and get back into the rest of the world, scary and not.
xo
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5 comments:
You go, Girl! You never cease to amaze me with your honesty, insight and emotion. Welcome home, so glad it was great for you. Cheers for the three pounds!!
love you,
Deb
Well, it looks like vacation agrees with you. I have to say I had the best time! Real life is a bit of an adjustment though but luckily Rowen is feeling better today. Good job making Dr. Sun(and the rest of us) proud. xoxoxoxox
I am so proud of your take-aways - as often as possible, bring the party to you.
I am glad that you posted today bc i was missing having a space to comment. Also, glad that the fog is lifting and that you are getting psyched about your new CLEAN street, where the sun always shines and ice doesn't stick. Love you.
Hey buddypal...
Its good to have you back. Im so happy to hear about the positive doctor visit. Also, congrats on the pina colada pounds!
and here we are at chemo day...again. Let the good times roll!
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