Sigh.. it's 219am and there's no rest for this weary brain of mine. I always have a hard night on the eve of chemo. No matter how physically exhausted I am from this process, my mind goes into overdrive when I shut off the lights. I even read until I barely have one eye open sometimes, but as soon as I don't have anything else to focus on besides me I start freaking out about- me. Well, mainly 'me' being my cancer and if/when it will come back and how soon/how long will I have and what -WHAT- can I do to feel like I have any control in this fucked up mess?
And then, in case matters of life and death aren't enough to get me going, I will usually fall back on more trivial, but also somehow more tragic musings, like how bad it sucks to be a 28 year old woman who looks like a 12 year old boy. Who's malnourished. And probably works in a coal mine, hence the total lack of color in the skin. Or he's a vampire. Whatever, it sucks. Does anybody realize that there is an actual use to a belt, other than to just look cute with the right outfit?? I got thru 27 years of my life without really realizing this fact, but now if I don't wear a belt, my pants will fall down. Literally. And that, my friends, is sad. What is even more sad right now is that I have 3 eyelashes on my left eye and two on my right, and pretty much no eyebrows left to speak of. I can't leave the house (well, leave Fishtown- ha!) without drawing on my face or I will scare little children.
I realize that this may seem like small fries when compared with the massiveness of the whole cancer life/death thing, but it's weirdly different. You can't see cancer, you can't stop and stare and whisper at someone's cancer on the street. What you do stare and whisper at are the effects of cancer treatment on people. I may have cancer, but I know you're looking at the fact that I have no eyebrows from chemo, and that makes it suck on a more concrete level. Not sure if that makes sense to you or only to me but it is what it is.
There are other things I think about on these nights where I don't sleep, but for now this is all I can talk about. I'm hoping by talking (well, writing) about my fears they will somehow go away and leave me alone. At least get out of my head, down thru my arms, out thru my fingertips and into the vast internets. I know I'm all worked up and it's getting worse because the end of chemo is so near. Im just scared, that's all. But at the same time, when I stop feeling sorry for myself for three minutes, I'm also really excited and happy and ready to have a few things back (mainly hair and boobs, and the ability to climb a flight of stairs without being winded).
I need to relax. I want so badly to get back into yoga, but this is going to have to wait a few weeks until I regain some strength. Same for riding my bike. What else can I do to let it go without having to do anything physically demanding? I'm thinking I need more acupuncture and meditation music, but any other suggestions?
Ok, I'm getting up to eat some Pirates Booty. Enough of this laying around in bed.
And then, in case matters of life and death aren't enough to get me going, I will usually fall back on more trivial, but also somehow more tragic musings, like how bad it sucks to be a 28 year old woman who looks like a 12 year old boy. Who's malnourished. And probably works in a coal mine, hence the total lack of color in the skin. Or he's a vampire. Whatever, it sucks. Does anybody realize that there is an actual use to a belt, other than to just look cute with the right outfit?? I got thru 27 years of my life without really realizing this fact, but now if I don't wear a belt, my pants will fall down. Literally. And that, my friends, is sad. What is even more sad right now is that I have 3 eyelashes on my left eye and two on my right, and pretty much no eyebrows left to speak of. I can't leave the house (well, leave Fishtown- ha!) without drawing on my face or I will scare little children.
I realize that this may seem like small fries when compared with the massiveness of the whole cancer life/death thing, but it's weirdly different. You can't see cancer, you can't stop and stare and whisper at someone's cancer on the street. What you do stare and whisper at are the effects of cancer treatment on people. I may have cancer, but I know you're looking at the fact that I have no eyebrows from chemo, and that makes it suck on a more concrete level. Not sure if that makes sense to you or only to me but it is what it is.
There are other things I think about on these nights where I don't sleep, but for now this is all I can talk about. I'm hoping by talking (well, writing) about my fears they will somehow go away and leave me alone. At least get out of my head, down thru my arms, out thru my fingertips and into the vast internets. I know I'm all worked up and it's getting worse because the end of chemo is so near. Im just scared, that's all. But at the same time, when I stop feeling sorry for myself for three minutes, I'm also really excited and happy and ready to have a few things back (mainly hair and boobs, and the ability to climb a flight of stairs without being winded).
I need to relax. I want so badly to get back into yoga, but this is going to have to wait a few weeks until I regain some strength. Same for riding my bike. What else can I do to let it go without having to do anything physically demanding? I'm thinking I need more acupuncture and meditation music, but any other suggestions?
Ok, I'm getting up to eat some Pirates Booty. Enough of this laying around in bed.
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4 comments:
Hey Erin,
When I see someone who physically shows the signs of living with cancer I always think about the people I know who are going through it. I think of my sister and you and my friend Debbie. The three of you never hid from the world despite your bald heads and weak stomachs. You put on brave faces and have continued to live your lives. When I see a woman with a scarf on her head or sparse eyebrows, I think of how proud I am of her and others who have cancer, but don't let it stop them from living. I think you're doing exactly what you need to do for your piece of mind...you're living your life. Keep fixing up your house, walking your dogs, hanging out with friends and most importantly keep talking about it.
Love,
Melissa
p.s. I completely get what you love about your neighborhood...ever been to Highlandtown in Baltimore City? My husband and I lived there for 4 years and I used to cherish the days of walking my dog around the park in sweats and feeling fashionable as long as I had some cool sunglasses on. :)
Hola!
I'm usually a lurker, but wanted to delurk to try and offer a wee bit of support. I've really enjoyed your new blog as you open up about your journey. You've faced so much more already than people twice your age...but from what you've shown, it's been with grace and some humor. And very very down to earth. I hope you'll consider keeping these writings and trying to make a small book from them. There will be more young women diagnosed with cancer in the future that would benefit from reading about someone else going through this.
My husband, Hans, was diagnosed with Gastro-Esophageal cancer in July 2005. Stage 3 (if one more lymph node would have tested positive he would have been considered stage 4). Hans was 32 when diagnosed. He endured the surgery, a second surgery when a leak happened, chemo and radiation. Lost 75lbs...needs that belt too!!
We've recently returned from his 2.5 year checkup and he's doing well and still free of cancer. One year before Hans was diagnosed we helplessly watched as his 34 yr old sister lost her battle with breast cancer...she had been diagnosed at age 28. So we feel steeped in cancer...it's part of our lives no matter what it seems.
Those trivial things? Not so trivial. We so want control over something in our lives after cancer takes over.
Hans is doing good, He's working full time again and he's starting a new show for Georgia Public TV this year. He's a tv chef...a very skinny tv chef! He's writing his first cook book and is taking trips whenever possible. He just got back from Germany where he attended a friend's art show opening! We never though these things would happen again while he was in treatment. We know the stats are bad. We know. But we do our best to keep going.
I just want you to know that I'm sending healing vibes your way. And uh, sorry for the book I just wrote!
Hey...for that relaxation...how about more photography? I've enjoyed the pictures from your walks!
Take care,
Amy Rue
amy@amyrue.com
Glad you found some solace in Pirates Booty! Cant wait to see you soon.
Hey there!!
Listen...I completely understand what you are feeling...and guess what (as I'm sure you already know) it's completely normal!!! As far as controlling these feelings, still working on that!!! We are in this stupid thing together, you, me and thousands of other people!!! It does suck...the stares of confusion and pitty, but who cares!!! Of course all of this is easier said than done for I still can't leave the house without a scarf or hat :)!
Anyway...suggestions!!! Have you looked into yoga nidra??? It's wonderful!!! Pure relaxation! At first I didn't think I would be able to lay still for 40 minutes, but once I focused it was great!! If you are interested, I will send you some cds!!! Also, I am taking a mindfulness class. It teaches you to completely live in the moment! It teaches you that none of us can predict the future, so why not live in this very moment!! It has really helped me with my fears!!! I will ask my instructor is she knows of any classes that are offered around your area!!! I know it's a long shot, but if you ever want to make the drive you can come to the class that I attend!! It is at Hopewell (a cancer support group) which is on the outer boundary of Baltimore City!!! Right off of 83 (Falls Rd.). If you're interested...let me know!!!
Hang in there...and remember to only focus on the present!!! I know that it's hard, but if you find your mind wondering to that bad place, remind yourself that there is absolutely nothing you can do about the future, so live in the moment!!! Okay, I'm done for now!!!
Much love,
Jen
email me if you want....
rnj0725@msn.com
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