chemo and head shaving

So, after talking to my mom and reading back on my post from the other night, I realized that I should have added a few thoughts in. One being that I didn’t intend to write that post as a fingerpointer. What I was trying to say is that we ALL have those self protection mechanisms and we ALL tell ourselves what we need to believe in order to not live in fear. Before I got sick, I was probably the worst with this habit. So, I just didn’t want to put it out there like I was a big judger and you all don’t have it figured out. NONE of us have it figured out.

Anyway, yesterday was chemo day, and all and all- it wasn't so bad. We talked again about ending treatment. I told them that I’m scared but looking forward to it at the same time. He said that if at any time my body stops cooperating and it becomes detrimental, we will end treatment immediately. But for now my body is responding so well that he thinks we should just ‘buy the extra insurance’. I will have another scan in the beginning of April, and if that goes well I will probably continue treatment thru the month and stop either right before May or possibly continue on with one more cycle in May. I would really prefer to stop in April so that I have at least a little time to recoup before Meg’s wedding in Jamaica and then Abby’s wedding the following weekend. But I also know that it’s not really within my control and whatever is going to happen will happen.

So I won’t think on it too much. Instead I’ll obsess about wigs, since it’s getting to be about that time folks. I wore one out for the first time on Monday to have lunch with Ashley and then again I wore it to chemo. Jed took a picture with my phone:

My phone takes really terrible pictures, and even though I look like The Girl Without a Face, you can get the idea of the hair. It's actually long but I had it pulled up in a bun. I have several wigs here that I'm going to play around with, but I still am in search of the perfect look. I have gotten the scoop on a few good places to go in the city, so if I feel well enough this week I'm going out on the hunt. I have a party to go to this weekend that I'm getting fancy for, so I think that calls for a new look.

So, back to my appt, my white cells are high, thanks to the neupogen shots, and my hemoglobin was at a 9.7. They like to see it at least 10, so they gave me a shot to boost that in the same way that the neupogen boosts the white cells. I also got another transfusion done, just one bag of blood. When Millie was examining me, she could feel my heart kind of hammering away (I could feel it too), so the fresh blood really helped. I feel so much better today.

Again, I am just fascinated at the way we can trick the human body into believing it is healthy. Poisonous chemicals produced in a lab are breaking down my body in an attempt to kill the cancerous cells, while other lab-produced agents are injected back into me to keep the non-cancerous cells up and running, and then someone else's blood is put into me to trick my ticker into running smoothly. It is just amazing. I always donated blood in the past when I could, but I never really felt the direct connection.. I just knew it was a 'good' thing to do. But now, because of someone else's time and generosity I am able to live a better, and probably longer, life. It makes me so grateful.

After we got home from chemo I decided that I had had enough of this patchy hair, so Jed shaved it for me. It's not shaved bald, but this really helps to hide how thin it's gotten. Check it out-

This is Jed trying to convince Abby to let him buzz off just one lock of her hair. I have a feeling this conversation has happened more than once. Abby won, btw.

A combination of Ativan and pot served two fold. No nausea and no fear.

The artist and his muse.

water break.

Both Jed and Ab agreed that I looked like Jed's dad from behind. Sorry Rob!

There are those ears. Hi guys.

Well I can't believe I just posted that picture of me because it's kind of scary, but you see how you look after a long day of hospital and chemo and exhaustion. Shortly after this I was in bed asleep.